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photoshopped women warriors back-to-back wielding swords

[Sketch] Lesbian Warrior Princess Queens

Here’s a sketch I wrote for my sister’s wedding in 2015; we performed it live at their reception, with projector showing slides with images that my good friend and brilliant visual artist Chelsey Banks made. See selected slides at bottom of this post. 🙂

Sketch: Lesbian Warrior Princess Queens (action figure commercial)

[music cue for people to stop talking and pay attention]

Voiceover: My Big Fat Gay Wedding Reception will return after a brief word from our sponsors.

[kids seated at table, facing audience, looking glum]

Kid 1: I’m so bored, this sucks.

Voiceover: What’s wrong, kids?

Kid 2: All our role models are terrible. Barbie, GI Joe– how boring can you get?

Kid 3: We want someone better to look up to!

Voiceover: Well, turn those frowns upside down! Introducing the new Lesbian Warrior Princess Queens!

Kids: Yaaaaaay!

Voiceover: Lesbian Warrior Princess Queen Priya has the powers of BRAINS and FOOD!

Kids: Oooooooh!

Voiceover: and Lesbian Warrior Princess Queen Heidi has the powers of STORYTELLING and PAPIER MACHE!

Kids: Ahhhhh!

Voiceover: When they come together and harness the power of CATS, the Lesbian Warrior Princess Queens are unstoppable! Watch how they save the day.

Kid 1: Oh no, someone is saying overly simplistic and inaccurate things about the brain!

Kids 2 & 3: Help us, Lesbian Warrior Princess Queens!

Kids: Thanks, Lesbian Warrior Princess Queens!

Voiceover: But that’s not all they can do. Watch this!

Kid 1: Oh no, now there’s no one to stand up to Republicans in the Senate!

Kid 2: We need someone smart, informed, popular, and excellent at interpersonal communication.

Kids: Yaaaay! Thanks, Lesbian Warrior Princess Queens!

Voiceover: Together, Lesbian Warrior Princess Queens can do anything!

Kid 1: Share responsibilities for aging cats?

Kid 2: Be in a long-distance relationship for seven years?

Kid 3: Plan a wedding while defending a disseration AND working full-time?

Voiceover: Lesbian Warrior Princess Queens- they’re helpful…

Voiceover: …humble…

Voiceover: …and above all, happily married!

Voiceover: Thanks, Lesbian Warrior Princess Queens!

Kids: Thanks, Lesbian Warrior Princess Queens!

Video: montage of people who couldn’t make it saying, “Thanks, Lesbian Warrior Princess Queens,” while music plays.




artist (music/poetry/film) with a day job (non-profit finance/operations) in the bay area.

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